Allied Media Conference, 2006

Thanks to $pread Magazine, who was my anti-corporate sponsor and transportation provider, I got to go to Bowling Green, Ohio this weekend, to the Allied Media Conference. After getting stuck in traffic for almost three hours, me, my mom, and Becca made it to New Jersey. Of course, the girls' human singing wasn't great... (I hate Liz Phair, circa 1994, and Le Tigre drives me crazy) but no one listened to my complaints, and so I passed out in the back seat in protest. Eleven hours later when we arrived in Bowling Green, I helped $pread set up their way-too-gay table.



I got dumped me in the lap of Lisa, the founder of Bitch magazine, while the $pread girls ditched me to go eat vegan food with the beautiful Erin from LiP and Katy from Exotic Fever Records. After covering Lisa's black shirt with pug hair, I hung out under the table and seduced passerbyers into scratching my head and taking my picture. I didn't want to tell her that I once peed on a copy of Bitch when I was younger, to get back at my mother for leaving me home when she went out. I knew it was her favorite magazine, and what can I say? I'm vindictive!


The rest of the conference was lame, I slept on the floor through most of it. I kept on getting placed on the $pread table, where I promptly curled up and fell asleep amongst the explosives. Fireworks make great pillows. I think all the silly radicals at the conference kept taking my picture because I looked so damn gay with the stupid rainbow ribbon my mother tied to me.


I was a great marketing tool- I would draw the people in, and then my mother would talk them into buying the magazine.

I also helped Rebecca sell fireworks to the anarchists.


We stayed in a free dorm room, but I had to sneak again, because Bowling Green State University discriminates against dogs, the fuckers. I hid in a jacket and the security guard didn't even hear me complaining, because my mom and Becca both started simultaneously convulsing and coughing when we walked by him.

On the way home, we picked up a guy from Clamor who didn't have any money and gave him a lift back to the Northeast. As you can tell, we got along OK.